People's Republic of Uplands

This is about music, specifically live music. But i’d like to start by talking about onion bhajis.

Why is there no standardised portion size for onion bhajis either in a curry house or a takeaway?

A portion of onion bhajis could get you two, four, or even occasionally six. Now, some folk might be happy with what is basically a deep fried game of chance, but sometimes you can end up with a mountain of bhajis looking at you, challenging you to eat them before your main course. Or you can sit forlornly, splitting two bhajis between three.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew exactly what we were going to get?

Which leads on nicely to live music.

We’re really lucky in the PRU to have quite a few live music venues ranging from places selling tickets where the audience turn up to watch acts of their choice to more lucky-dip type venues where the performers are more of a backdrop. We’ve even got a few places where we have those luminous stars with ‘quality performer – Justin’ written on it.

But, like the bhaji, how do we know what to expect?

Now. Without getting into the intricate relationship between musician and audience (who are you really performing for? How many Killers covers can one band play before their souls join together, combust and sink to the sixth level of hell? Why do people not get good music? etc) there are two things that musicians in live venues need to take on board.

1. You are probably too loud. People have, in all honesty these days, not come to see you. If their eyes are bleeding and their hair is being blown back as if a wind machine was between them and the stage then just turn yourself down. Some places have a sound guy, or at least a desk. This is a good thing. Some places don’t. This can work. Sometimes. Sometimes not so much. If you are playing in a pub/restaurant where everyone is out for a birthday meal, chances are they have come out for a catch-up and a few convivial pints, not to mosh it up to your mod/punk covers band pretending you are 17 again. Please. Shut up.
2. Before you buy expensive additions such as in-ear monitors, pedal boards, clip on brass mics, five-string basses and so on, please please invest in one thing. A tuner. And keep using it. Because things go out of tune, especially in hot sweaty venues. If you haven’t got the basic innate musical talent to realise that you are out, there’s no shame in using a device.

As members of the audience, though, just bear in mind that the people trying to get your attention, whether acoustic hippy-dippies, grizzled old blues boys, sad middle aged cover bands or fresh faced youngsters, will have started the evening long before you and still be packing away long after you’ve gone. They will have spent the interval queuing at the bar and paying for their drinks out of the paltry amount they are being paid.

So why do they do it? Because they love it.

So if you see a band member at the bar, let them in before you.

Even if they are too loud and out of tune.